Back in the news is little Madeline, the girl who was abducted some 4 years ago. Seeing and hearing her parents dealing with loss makes me think of what I have lost.
Although I sort of know where my daughter is and that she is probably safe; the fact that I cannot see her, touch her, play with her, cuddle her or in fact do anything makes it feel like I have lost her.
There is not a day which goes by where she is not right at the front of my thoughts. But also there is my beautiful wife.
See not only have I lost my daughter I have lost my wife too. And although at some point in time I will be able to hold my daughter again, I cannot say the same with certainty for my wife. I lay here in bed thinking of her, wondering if our marriage is over, wondering if there is anyway to make up for all the pain and sorrow that has rippled through my family.
I see my grandmother every few days, and each time I see her she looks for my daughter. I see the disappointment in her eyes when she realises that my daughter is not there. I see my mothers face growing tired from restless sleep, because of what her son is going through. I see my father getting weaker by the day because he can no longer fulfill the promise he made to my father-in-law.
From watching all this, along with my son desperately wanting to see his sister I feel so helpless. Not only do I feel the loss of my family but I feel lost too. it is not just myself whom is dealing with loss; it is also the rest of my family who is also dealing with loss.
Lord, I was always taught to forgive from a very early age and I have tried to live by this as much as possible. But this latest tribulation is very hard to deal with.
No matter what my wife thinks I deserve, there is no reason to take it out on the rest of my family. If my wife wants to stop me from seeing my daughter then ok, but why stop my son? What has he done? What has my daughters great grandmother done?
I truly love my wife, my heart still pours out for her yet I have to ask you Lord why? Why does she do this?
I know in the end I will forgive her.
I now also know after all this pain, suffering and loss she has caused I love her just as much as before but trying desperately to deal with all of this loss is very hard.
And if and when the time comes when I can ask her face to face if its over, I will carry the greatest loss with me for the rest of my life.
Aku cinta kamu Dewi.
Always