Sometimes I wish I could just feel something; just a little something so I know I am alive.
Went back to the doctor this morning. Not sleeping at all; on average I am getting around 2 hours sleep a night if that. As you would expect the doctor asked how I was feeling. For a few seconds I paused and thought about it.
That is when I realised, I don’t feel anything.
Nothing any more.
I truly miss my daughter, I really do miss her like crazy, but all my emotions are gone. I don’t seem to be able to act on anything. The same goes for my wife. I really miss her, just as much as my daughter. I should also feel anger towards her for what she has done and is putting me through, but there is nothing.
The doctor did mention anti-depressants do play havoc with emotions. I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing. I feel like I am letting my wife and daughter down by not crying and showing that I really miss them, but it seems there is nothing I can do.
On the other hand, I guess without these anti-depressants I would be a complete wreck and not able to function properly. Its a fine line I am treading on here… Without them I would feel the pain and suffering of my family being ripped apart; and would probably have lost my job. Taking the anti-depressants allows me to carry on working but act like a zombie. Sometimes I wish I could just feel something; just a little something so I know I am alive.